Category: Writing On Thoughts

Their Perfect Time Together

Their Perfect Time Together

A baby lays asleep on the couch snuggled in her travel bassinet while her older sister plays games on her iPad, learning her ABCs and singing along with songs as they came up in her game on ABCMouse.Com. The TV plays a child’s show but neither baby nor child pays attention to it. Their mother sits tiredly on the couch, her eyes lovingly watching her baby sleep for a few minutes before her exhausted gaze shifts to where her oldest daughter sits at her feet. She may feel like a zombie but it is well worth the exhaustion, the stress, and everything else that comes to raising an independent loving little girl and bringing another strong baby girl into the world even though the world has become so confused and full of hate. Their mother sighs heavily as she thinks about having to raise these girls in the strange world, her mind and heart heavy. She looks at her daughters and hopes that they grow into beautiful, smart, independent, loving, caring women who won’t let the world or those living in it change their hearts or steer them off their path towards whatever it is that they wish to be when they grow up.

Her eyes wander to the couch beside her where her amazing husband sits, staring down at his laptop that sits propped on his black lap desk, his eyebrows knitted together as his fingers slide across the keyboard, the man never done with his work for the Navy and always giving his all to make sure that everyone is taken care of medically. The enjoyable clicking of the keyboard and the sight of her husband brings a smile to her face because she knows that she is not alone in raising her two daughters. The world may be scary but she knows that with the help of this incredible man beside her, their daughters will stand a chance. And with their families and all of their friends behind them, their daughters will always have the help they may need and will win in this crazy life of theirs.

She returns to her writing, a story flowing forth from her imagination and pen. She continues to write and to work on the story before her eyes, knowing that she must strive to work hard, get published, and show her girls that their dreams can come true if they keep striving for it, work hard, and never give up. Her eyes leave the page that she is writing on a few times as she looks to her sleeping sweet baby, to her older amazing daughter, and her perfect reliable husband, feeling truly blessed and at home with her little family. Her pen flies across the page, her mind whirling with thoughts and ideas, and a smile stays plastered to her face because as she sits there on their couch, she feels like this is their perfect time together. She can’t wait to make more beautiful memories as a new family of four, having already made some amazing memories as husband and wife and as a family of three. Life is an adventure and she knew that she has a great group of people to enjoy it with.

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The Mysteries of the Afterlife

The Mysteries of the Afterlife

A country song has been playing quite a bit on the radio and it’s a great song. It’s called Heaven by Kane Brown and it this beautiful song talking about how people are in a rush to get to heaven because it’ll be amazing and all that but he has found himself a woman he calls his angel right here on Earth and he would rather stay with her. Like I said it’s a great song and it has me wondering about the future and the afterlife. This song and going to the thrift shops where you see old pictures of people who have lived years ago.

Ryan and I went to the thrift shops looking for a Halloween costume for myself and for our youngest daughter who will be 3 months old for her first Halloween. But as we looked around, we noticed a lot of items from the past including old photograph of people. I turned to look at Ryan and asked him if this is what will happen to all of our family photos and our other items in the future once we are gone, if all of our things will be in thrift shops like these items. He truthfully told me that it could be a huge possibility and that made me quite sad and wonder if we are wasting all our time and money on photos.

So all of this and watching those who are older passing and even those who are our age or younger passing away has e seriously wondering and questioning what is to come. I believe in God, Jesus, Heaven, and Hell but I also believe in an afterlife where there are spirits or ghosts who stay on Earth as I myself have experienced the paranormal side. And questions are now flowing through my mind where I have no answers. What will happen to us? I mean what really happens to us when we die? Do we stay on Earth as ghosts if we wish? Or do we pass through a white light and go to Heaven where we exist as we did on Earth where we can see one another and touch one another? Or will we just be a floating ball of energy while in Heaven or stuck on Earth in that form watching our loved ones as they grow up? Do we just simply not exist once we die and our souls go poof?

Yes I have heard that there are books about what some have seen once they had died and came back and no I have yet to read any but I doubt that will answer my questions fully. I might give some of those books a look at to ease my mind and these questions but I know that I will still be wondering and a part of me will still be curious as well as a bit afraid of what is to come when it’s my turn to die.

I don’t know what will happen or what to think will happen to us once we pass on but I have been thinking about it for quite some time now and would love to hear what others believe or think will happen to us once we are gone. Do you have any theories you’d like to share? If you do, please comment and let me know. I would love to read them and maybe it’ll help quiet my own wondering mind.

Don’t Give Up

Don’t Give Up

Hope: a four-letter word that means so much to some and so little to others. To my husband that word meant a lot as we stepped off onto a beaten path in order to begin to grow our little family. To me that word was important but then gradually rang empty promises as we began a march to a different beat because our path to become parents kept veering off course due to who knows what.

We had agreed at the end of 2011 that 2012 we wished to try for our own little bundle of joy but it seemed as if it wasn’t going to be as we struggled and my heart ached each month I began my period. I heard of others getting pregnant right away or after a couple of months and yet here I was unable to conceive. Then something had changed and to our despair, I miscarried. I wasn’t fully sad about the situation because to me it brought back hope since that meant that I could conceive it was just a matter as to why I couldn’t carry a child. I had so many questions as to why and what had gone wrong but I clung to that one word, hope, as did my husband since we saw that I had indeed gotten pregnant even though it had ended as quickly as it had started.

Then closer to the end of the year, we suffered from a second miscarriage and I began to let go of my life preserver- hope. Ryan wouldn’t let go and he clung to me, pulling me back, never giving up on our dream of having a family of our own and us becoming parents. He had seen me with children as I taught Preschool and he told me time and time again that I would make a wonderful mother to his children. But my heart ached and broke as we now had two angel babies.

A year ended in heart ache, an empty womb, and full of questions as to why it happened to us but we kept trudging forward, him working in the medical field in the Navy and myself working at one of the most wonderful preschools, Coast Kids in Carlsbad, CA. And though I kept a smile on my face and a kind word on my tongue, working with kids was also taking its toll on me, not because I was jealous but because I was sad at the thought of never being on the other side of the fence as a parent to a rambunctious ready to learn child or children. The teachers and directors of the preschool continued to pray for my husband and me and did their best to help my husband pull me back towards hope but it was a hard task. My family and friends also continued to fight to keep me afloat in the rocky waters of doubt but again it was a difficult task.

In 2013, we could finally see a military doctor about our problems of conceiving and carrying full term and a glimmer of hope once again poured into my heart. We were both tested and none of the results answered the questions as to why I couldn’t carry so they instantly marked me a mystery infertile woman, baffled themselves. They sent us to Infertility and the new doctor began to make a plan for us to follow to get me pregnant. I would have to take Clomid as well as give myself shots of another fertility drug into my stomach that would help my eggs develop quicker so that they can see if I can get pregnant by doing IUI (Intrauterine insemination) treatments along side the other method, sex. I did it even though the shots hurt and I felt like I was wasting my time as I kept thinking that I would never get pregnant with all of that. But once again Ryan, my rock, stepped up to push me forward and to help me with the shots when I felt like I couldn’t do it myself. He couldn’t always go to my appointments with me so my parents would sometimes go with me or one of my friends would go so that I was never alone when I entered that clinic because if I had gone alone, most likely I would have cancelled the appointments and had given up. Whenever he wasn’t able to go with me, I would always get calls or texts asking me how it went, asking what the doctor said, and just seeing if I was okay. That meant the most to me besides him always being by my side. He always thought of me first even though I knew he was hurting from this experience as well.

I ended up going through two IUI sessions and to our joy, the second session with the doctor and of course with us together ended in a pregnancy but before we could rejoice, it ended tragically in yet a third miscarriage. I cried then and I cried a lot because once again my womb had had a little baby in there but for some reason it refused to carry that baby. The doctor told us that we would have to wait for at least three months before we could begin with the shots, Clomid, and IUIs again. And once again, my heart dropped, and hope began to slip through my fingers like sand as my dreams of a family began to fade. I did start to talk about adopting but it still hurt because as every woman wishes to be able to do, I might not have been able to enjoy the strange wonders of carrying a baby full term and giving birth.

Ryan talked to me about adoption I believe to humor me but he still was holding on to hope that we would get pregnant and I would carry full term. And him keeping that hope alive even though I was losing mine had paid off in the end because two months after our last miscarriage, in April, we found out that I was again pregnant. Of course, I didn’t hold my breath since the last three had ended before they even had a chance to really live inside of me so I didn’t have much faith that this one would survive either. I waited week after week for the shoe to drop as they say and I miscarried for a fourth time but then a month went by and I went to the Infertility doctor who confirmed that I was indeed pregnant. I was then transferred over to OBGYN and had another ultrasound done to see that this baby was a fighter; we could even hear a strong heartbeat.

I finally allowed myself to feel hope in my heart again as the months began to slip by and my stomach began to grow larger as the baby inside grew. We did a 2D/3D ultrasound at A Baby Visit in Mira Mesa and found out that our little fighter was going to be a girl. I held Ryan’s hand as we saw our daughter’s face come up on the screen and my heart swelled with joy and happiness. Ryan had a grin on his face and I think went into shock because afterwards we went out to celebrate with my parents, godparents, and a friend that I worked with at Coast Kids and had became good friends with, he barely talked at first. But I knew that if it hadn’t been for my husband, I would have given up after the first two miscarriages and then we wouldn’t have been sitting there in the dark room, staring up at a huge screen that showed a small human wiggling around inside of me. We had our rainbow baby early as well. She decided to grace us with her presence on December 28, 2013 when her due date had been January 2, 2014. We were ecstatic when she decided to join our family and made us a family of three earlier than she was intended to come.

Then two and a half years after our first daughter, we decided that we were ready to try again for another child and so we began to try again, hoping that this time we wouldn’t have to deal with a lot of issues and heartaches. We found out in 2016 that I was pregnant again and we were super excited, not wanting to wait to tell everyone. But we should have waited because it wasn’t meant to be. I went to the ER for bleeding and was told that I was miscarrying another child. I hadn’t gone to the ER the first three times because it had happened so fast and so early on in the pregnancy where as this one I was at least a month or so. So once again we had another angel baby.

We were directed to an Infertility doctor who set up a plan for me to do the IUIs and Clomid but had decided against the shots this time around. I wasn’t looking forward to taking Clomid or giving myself shots in the stomach, and was a bit pleased when he told me that we wouldn’t be doing the shots, but I was willing to do anything to have another baby and this time I clung to hope right alongside Ryan. But we had found out too late because it was time for Ryan to pick out new orders, our three years out in Virginia having come to an end, so we decided that we would wait until we were settled at our new duty station before we once again talked to the infertility doctors and come up with a plan of action.

Our daughter is now 4 1/2 years old, we are settled back in California for Ryan’s new duty station, and we have been blessed in getting pregnant only a few months after getting back to California. We have welcomed another beautiful little girl into our family and she decided to out due her older sister by coming even earlier. She was due August 4, 2018 but decided that was too far away and joined us on July 23, 2018. And we didn’t have to talk to an infertility doctor nor did I have to take Clomid or give myself shots this time around and we couldn’t be any happier than we are now.

It had been Ryan who had kept me going forward in our long difficult journey to becoming parents to two beautiful rainbow babies and I am very grateful. If we had both given up, then we would not be parents today. I just have to remember that even though a situation seems hopeless, I cannot give up and I have to do my best to hold onto even the tiniest bit of hope and keep moving forward.

Now I am a mother to two rainbow babies and four angel babies and though my heart still hurts for the four babies I will never hold in my arms here on Earth, I am still grateful for having gone on this journey with my husband in order to see just how strong we can be together. I may not have been completely strong and Ryan may have had to be the one to pick me up to keep me going but it has opened my eyes to see that we can weather any obstacles this life throws at us. I dealt with being alone whenever Ryan had to be deployed, then I had dealt with the heartache of miscarriages and the birth of two amazing daughters, and now I have to face the challenges of raising these two girls to be independent, loving, caring, thoughtful and to make the right choices in their lives but thankfully I have such an amazing man by my side to help me raise these two as well as amazing family and friends since as the saying goes it takes a village to raise children.

I guess the moral to this story is to not give up hope and if you feel yourself letting go of that hope, make sure you lean on your significant other, your family, and your friends. Even sometimes a complete stranger can help instill that hope in your heart once again. So don’t give up on your dreams of becoming parents and I truly hope that one-day whether you decide to carry or to foster, or to adopt or to foster then adopt or even if you decide to have a surrogate mother, that you too can enjoy the wonderful mysteries of becoming a parent and raising your child/children. And don’t give up hope on any aspect in your life. Go for it! Make your dreams come true whatever they are and I hope you make your life worth living and are truly happy in the end.

Gaming With Love

Gaming With Love

This is a short fiction story but it is dedicated to those out there who are in love and are in a long distance relationship. I have been there myself for three years before my husband (military and stationed on the east coast) and I (at the time preschool teacher and college student on the west coast) could be together for good. So until that day, continue to hold on to your love for one another and find things that you can do together even though miles apart. Can be states apart or countries apart, love knows no boundaries. Enjoy!

 

He sits staring at the screen, his fingers carefully tapping each key to make the character that he had created move from left to right, dodging bullets. Beside his character, a female character runs past, guns blazing and no fear in her heart. She shoots down one person dead while he makes his game character shoot another character, saving their own lives for a bit longer in the game.

Max lets out a joyous cry after the two that they are fighting fall face first into the ground, leaving behind two back packs ready for looting. In his headphones, he can hear his girlfriend, Holly, say something about finding a car so that they can get clear of that area, since they had seen other players looting the nearby homes. “Okay, yea, let’s go get a car.”

The two characters race across an open field, trying to keep low to the ground so as to not draw any attention to themselves and draw enemy fire their way. No guns shoot in their direction as they make their way into a small group of abandoned dilapidated buildings that look to be untouched. Max pushes the door open to the first building they came across and enters before Holly, who trails in behind him, keeping her gun at the ready and her view behind them so that they can’t be caught off guard by an ambush from behind.  They quickly loot the house before they move on to the next, still not running into any other players out for their blood and their loot. After they have finished looting the buildings, they head outside and move to the other side of a crumbling wall to find a few cars but they have all been destroyed already. Max and Holly run further from the wall and into the tree line once they hear a car heading towards the buildings that they had just been at. They duck behind a few trees and peer out as the car slows down and comes to a stop with four people getting out of it.

“Okay, baby, let’s take them down and take their car,” Max says into his microphone as he checks his character’s gun to make sure that it is loaded and ready to go.

Holly scoffs at his plan, “Really? Babe, there are four of them and only two of us. We can…” She sighs heavily as she watches Max rush forward, shooting towards the driver of the car. She stays hidden as the four men rush her boyfriend. “Babe!” She groans and steps out from behind the tree, shooting down two of the four before the third shoots her down and the fourth kills her boyfriend, who had been crawling on the ground.

“Man! I was so close to taking the other two down,” Max grumbles as he shoves his keyboard away from him. “Okay, yea maybe that was a bad idea but they had a car.”

“And we could have either stolen it while they were inside the houses or have gone for another one somewhere else, hun,” Holly says as she readjusts herself in her chair in front of her computer. “Okay it’s time for bed so I’ll give you call tomorrow after I get off work.”

Max stretches his arms up over his head before he flops more into his chair, “All right, babe, that sounds good to me. Maybe tomorrow we can play a different game instead of this one. Oh hey how about that new horror game that we can both play and purchased a while back?” He swings in his chair back and forth as he leans his head back against the comfortable cushion on the back of his chair and enjoys the sound of her voice.

“That sounds like fun,” Holly exclaims as she closes out of the game and readies herself to turn off her computer after she said good night. “We’ve only had that game for nearly a month waiting for us to play it.” She laughs when she hears Max mumble under his breath about this and that for not having time to play it before now. “Okay then it’s a gaming date. Love you, baby.”

Max smiles to himself, “I love you, too. Have a good day at work tomorrow, babe.” He makes a few kissing noises to her before he takes off the headphones and leaves the chat that they use in order to talk to one another during game play. He sits for a while staring at his computer screen, after he has closed the game, to where a picture of his smiling girlfriend sits, taking up the background behind his folders and things. He touches his lips with his fingertips then presses the fingertips to the lips of his girlfriend in the picture on the computer screen. “Good night, babe.” He turns the computer off and sighs heavily before he stands up, carefully making his way out from behind his desk. He grabs a black sharpie pen and walks over to where he has a calendar up on the wall beside the door. He crosses off that day on the calendar with a thick black and counts the weeks to see how many he still has left before he will get to fly out to see his girlfriend, who lives in another state. He returns the sharpie to his desk before he leaves his gaming room, turns off the lights, and heads off to his bedroom to do a few other things before he had to go to bed, since he is three hours behind his girlfriend.