Tag: rainbow baby

It’s In Her Smile

It’s In Her Smile

Dedicated to our sweet youngest daughter, Cara Lynn Gordon. ❤

Big beautiful brown eyes stare up at me from her bassinet and a giant smile crosses over her face as she stares back into my eyes. Our second miracle baby had graced us with her presence earlier than August 4, 2018. She decided that she had and we had waited long enough and came to be with our happy little family of three on July 23rd at only 38 weeks and 2 days and made us an even happier family of four. She came out kicking and screaming to world that she has arrived and that she has a world to take over, her smile being one aspect that will help her achieve that goal.

Her smile is big and full of love even if she is so little and so young. I can’t get enough of her smile when she looks at me or someone else, especially when she gives that huge beautiful smile to her daddy and her favorite big sister, Kierra, and you can’t help but feel loved by this little person. I feel so blessed to be able to have a second daughter, a second child, and a second rainbow baby after yet another heartbreaking miscarriage. I just hope that I can continue to be a good mother and raise her to be a wonderful loving human being just like her older sister. I fear for her and her older sister because of how totally screwed up this world has become. All of the hate is ruining such a wonderful place and I doubt that it’ll get any better unless the human race wakes up but will that happen? Most likely not in my lifetime or theirs but one can hope that one-day the world will wake up and become more peaceful. But until then I will raise my girls the best that I can with the help of my amazing husband by my side and my wonderful family and friends since they say it takes a village to raise a child or children and I have the best village beside me. And I will continue to get lost in those wide brown eyes and that big beautiful smile as she grows.

Love you to pieces, our little pumpkin, our Cara Lynn. I can’t get enough of your amazing smile and can’t wait to see you grow into who you are meant to be. Well of course I can wait because I wish to enjoy every second of your life, watching you grow up right before my eyes. You are an amazing baby already and just like your big sister, you have such a beautiful smile and great big dazzling eyes. Your personality is already shining through and I know that you are going to be an amazing little girl. And if you ever need help, I am here and so is your daddy. Your big sister will also always have your back. Love you always, pumpkin, never change that smile so that it can always melt our hearts and bring a smile to our face.

Keep On Laughing Baby Girl

Keep On Laughing Baby Girl

Dedicated to our oldest daughter, Kierra Lee Gordon. ❤

Blue eyes that have shifted to their gorgeous gray as she grew and brown fluff hair that had fallen out as a baby and sprang back to be a beautiful blonde, a thoughtful, smart, kind, and mannered baby girl has become our first rainbow baby back in 2013. With a due date of January 2, 2014, she decided to grace us with her presence on December 28, 2013 and we couldn’t have been any happier.

After dealing with three heartbreaking miscarriages, Kierra came to us as our first rainbow baby, our first miracle baby, and our first strong bay girl ready to over come my body that didn’t want to carry full term for some mysterious reason. Her smile brings smiles to those around her and her laugh causes those having a bad day to have a better day. She has already quite the imagination and loves to play with others or with us or by herself.

She loves to say hi and bye to those who stand watch at the bases, making most of them smile and say hi and bye back to her. She says strange things, things that doesn’t make sense sometimes, and things that makes us laugh, making her our funny unique little girl. She is obsessed with Disney TV shows and movies, especially The Nightmare Before Christmas and even though I have seen it a millions times over because of her, I will watch it a million times again just to see her smile and chat about Jack, Sally, and Zero. I love watching her play or do artwork. I love listening to her talk and blabber about this or that, and I really love to hear her laugh. I fear that this world will turn that pure soul and pure laughter into a sad soul and a fake laugh but I know for a fact that she is strong so maybe she will not change. We will teach her to keep her head held high, to love life, to keep on laughing, and to make the right choice, not changing her funny little personality.

No matter what our love bug, keep on laughing, and this world will never be able to bring you down. We can’t say it enough how much we love you, Kierra Lee, inside and out. You and your baby sissy are our world and our lives. The world is yours so don’t ever let it get you down, keep fighting for what you want, and always know that you can come to mommy and daddy for any issue you may be having and we will do our best to help you out. But always remember love bug, keep on laughing baby girl, keep on laughing. We can’t wait to see you grow up into a wonderful woman but more than anything we can wait to see you grow up before our eyes because we want to treasure every single second with you. Love you to the moon and back, love bug!

Don’t Give Up

Don’t Give Up

Hope: a four-letter word that means so much to some and so little to others. To my husband that word meant a lot as we stepped off onto a beaten path in order to begin to grow our little family. To me that word was important but then gradually rang empty promises as we began a march to a different beat because our path to become parents kept veering off course due to who knows what.

We had agreed at the end of 2011 that 2012 we wished to try for our own little bundle of joy but it seemed as if it wasn’t going to be as we struggled and my heart ached each month I began my period. I heard of others getting pregnant right away or after a couple of months and yet here I was unable to conceive. Then something had changed and to our despair, I miscarried. I wasn’t fully sad about the situation because to me it brought back hope since that meant that I could conceive it was just a matter as to why I couldn’t carry a child. I had so many questions as to why and what had gone wrong but I clung to that one word, hope, as did my husband since we saw that I had indeed gotten pregnant even though it had ended as quickly as it had started.

Then closer to the end of the year, we suffered from a second miscarriage and I began to let go of my life preserver- hope. Ryan wouldn’t let go and he clung to me, pulling me back, never giving up on our dream of having a family of our own and us becoming parents. He had seen me with children as I taught Preschool and he told me time and time again that I would make a wonderful mother to his children. But my heart ached and broke as we now had two angel babies.

A year ended in heart ache, an empty womb, and full of questions as to why it happened to us but we kept trudging forward, him working in the medical field in the Navy and myself working at one of the most wonderful preschools, Coast Kids in Carlsbad, CA. And though I kept a smile on my face and a kind word on my tongue, working with kids was also taking its toll on me, not because I was jealous but because I was sad at the thought of never being on the other side of the fence as a parent to a rambunctious ready to learn child or children. The teachers and directors of the preschool continued to pray for my husband and me and did their best to help my husband pull me back towards hope but it was a hard task. My family and friends also continued to fight to keep me afloat in the rocky waters of doubt but again it was a difficult task.

In 2013, we could finally see a military doctor about our problems of conceiving and carrying full term and a glimmer of hope once again poured into my heart. We were both tested and none of the results answered the questions as to why I couldn’t carry so they instantly marked me a mystery infertile woman, baffled themselves. They sent us to Infertility and the new doctor began to make a plan for us to follow to get me pregnant. I would have to take Clomid as well as give myself shots of another fertility drug into my stomach that would help my eggs develop quicker so that they can see if I can get pregnant by doing IUI (Intrauterine insemination) treatments along side the other method, sex. I did it even though the shots hurt and I felt like I was wasting my time as I kept thinking that I would never get pregnant with all of that. But once again Ryan, my rock, stepped up to push me forward and to help me with the shots when I felt like I couldn’t do it myself. He couldn’t always go to my appointments with me so my parents would sometimes go with me or one of my friends would go so that I was never alone when I entered that clinic because if I had gone alone, most likely I would have cancelled the appointments and had given up. Whenever he wasn’t able to go with me, I would always get calls or texts asking me how it went, asking what the doctor said, and just seeing if I was okay. That meant the most to me besides him always being by my side. He always thought of me first even though I knew he was hurting from this experience as well.

I ended up going through two IUI sessions and to our joy, the second session with the doctor and of course with us together ended in a pregnancy but before we could rejoice, it ended tragically in yet a third miscarriage. I cried then and I cried a lot because once again my womb had had a little baby in there but for some reason it refused to carry that baby. The doctor told us that we would have to wait for at least three months before we could begin with the shots, Clomid, and IUIs again. And once again, my heart dropped, and hope began to slip through my fingers like sand as my dreams of a family began to fade. I did start to talk about adopting but it still hurt because as every woman wishes to be able to do, I might not have been able to enjoy the strange wonders of carrying a baby full term and giving birth.

Ryan talked to me about adoption I believe to humor me but he still was holding on to hope that we would get pregnant and I would carry full term. And him keeping that hope alive even though I was losing mine had paid off in the end because two months after our last miscarriage, in April, we found out that I was again pregnant. Of course, I didn’t hold my breath since the last three had ended before they even had a chance to really live inside of me so I didn’t have much faith that this one would survive either. I waited week after week for the shoe to drop as they say and I miscarried for a fourth time but then a month went by and I went to the Infertility doctor who confirmed that I was indeed pregnant. I was then transferred over to OBGYN and had another ultrasound done to see that this baby was a fighter; we could even hear a strong heartbeat.

I finally allowed myself to feel hope in my heart again as the months began to slip by and my stomach began to grow larger as the baby inside grew. We did a 2D/3D ultrasound at A Baby Visit in Mira Mesa and found out that our little fighter was going to be a girl. I held Ryan’s hand as we saw our daughter’s face come up on the screen and my heart swelled with joy and happiness. Ryan had a grin on his face and I think went into shock because afterwards we went out to celebrate with my parents, godparents, and a friend that I worked with at Coast Kids and had became good friends with, he barely talked at first. But I knew that if it hadn’t been for my husband, I would have given up after the first two miscarriages and then we wouldn’t have been sitting there in the dark room, staring up at a huge screen that showed a small human wiggling around inside of me. We had our rainbow baby early as well. She decided to grace us with her presence on December 28, 2013 when her due date had been January 2, 2014. We were ecstatic when she decided to join our family and made us a family of three earlier than she was intended to come.

Then two and a half years after our first daughter, we decided that we were ready to try again for another child and so we began to try again, hoping that this time we wouldn’t have to deal with a lot of issues and heartaches. We found out in 2016 that I was pregnant again and we were super excited, not wanting to wait to tell everyone. But we should have waited because it wasn’t meant to be. I went to the ER for bleeding and was told that I was miscarrying another child. I hadn’t gone to the ER the first three times because it had happened so fast and so early on in the pregnancy where as this one I was at least a month or so. So once again we had another angel baby.

We were directed to an Infertility doctor who set up a plan for me to do the IUIs and Clomid but had decided against the shots this time around. I wasn’t looking forward to taking Clomid or giving myself shots in the stomach, and was a bit pleased when he told me that we wouldn’t be doing the shots, but I was willing to do anything to have another baby and this time I clung to hope right alongside Ryan. But we had found out too late because it was time for Ryan to pick out new orders, our three years out in Virginia having come to an end, so we decided that we would wait until we were settled at our new duty station before we once again talked to the infertility doctors and come up with a plan of action.

Our daughter is now 4 1/2 years old, we are settled back in California for Ryan’s new duty station, and we have been blessed in getting pregnant only a few months after getting back to California. We have welcomed another beautiful little girl into our family and she decided to out due her older sister by coming even earlier. She was due August 4, 2018 but decided that was too far away and joined us on July 23, 2018. And we didn’t have to talk to an infertility doctor nor did I have to take Clomid or give myself shots this time around and we couldn’t be any happier than we are now.

It had been Ryan who had kept me going forward in our long difficult journey to becoming parents to two beautiful rainbow babies and I am very grateful. If we had both given up, then we would not be parents today. I just have to remember that even though a situation seems hopeless, I cannot give up and I have to do my best to hold onto even the tiniest bit of hope and keep moving forward.

Now I am a mother to two rainbow babies and four angel babies and though my heart still hurts for the four babies I will never hold in my arms here on Earth, I am still grateful for having gone on this journey with my husband in order to see just how strong we can be together. I may not have been completely strong and Ryan may have had to be the one to pick me up to keep me going but it has opened my eyes to see that we can weather any obstacles this life throws at us. I dealt with being alone whenever Ryan had to be deployed, then I had dealt with the heartache of miscarriages and the birth of two amazing daughters, and now I have to face the challenges of raising these two girls to be independent, loving, caring, thoughtful and to make the right choices in their lives but thankfully I have such an amazing man by my side to help me raise these two as well as amazing family and friends since as the saying goes it takes a village to raise children.

I guess the moral to this story is to not give up hope and if you feel yourself letting go of that hope, make sure you lean on your significant other, your family, and your friends. Even sometimes a complete stranger can help instill that hope in your heart once again. So don’t give up on your dreams of becoming parents and I truly hope that one-day whether you decide to carry or to foster, or to adopt or to foster then adopt or even if you decide to have a surrogate mother, that you too can enjoy the wonderful mysteries of becoming a parent and raising your child/children. And don’t give up hope on any aspect in your life. Go for it! Make your dreams come true whatever they are and I hope you make your life worth living and are truly happy in the end.